Bad Hair Day in Hollywood = Bad Wig Day!

It used to be that if a star was having a bad hair day, she threw on a hat. Now, she throws on a wig. Or extensions. Or freaky scarves (see Amy Winehouse, below).

Case in point: Lindsay Lohan. The other day, she was looking awesome with her long, straight blond hair. Today, she’s got a matty, nasty brunette thing going on. This sucker is so bad, it had to come from the Dollar Daze clearance bin. Gah! Is she getting shopping tips from Brit or what?

Furthermore, all that high-end shopping LiLo’s been doing as of late doesn’t seem to have made its way into her life yet. Clearly, she’s choosing to dig through her archives to unearth these leggings and hideous shoes instead. Our glamour gal ain’t so glamorous here, now is she?

Let’s hope this is just a bad day for ‘ol Linz. Cause man, when girl does bad, she’s bad!

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I Say “No, no, no!”

This is one of those pix that makes my snarky self salivate to the point of near dehydration. Seriously. It’s just packed full of opportunities to shred. God Bless you, Amy Winehouse.

So, yes, she’s blond. For a couple weeks now. And I still hate it. Maybe now more than ever. The first time I saw it was good for a soul-cleansing laugh. But as time wore on and I realized this wretched look is not just for temporary shock value, but is here to stay, I started to become more and more annoyed by it. It’s like Britney Spears as a brunette – it’s just not right! The cat eye totally doesn’t work with this look either (and is it just my warped imagination, or is she getting awfully sloppy with it? Oy.)

Next, we move on to her disintegrating weight. I’m honestly not sure how the weight of her hive and the Mr. T Starter Kit she’s wearing don’t just topple her over. That’s gotta be one of the big mysteries of the world. Truly. Girl needs to quit eating popsicles and have herself a Double Whopper with cheese.

And finally, I must make mention of this ‘do scarf. It’s definitely crossed that line of being overdone, much like Brad Pitt’s newsboy cap nonsense. Wouldn’t you just love to peer under that thing to see what’s making its home in there?

Gah!

Okay, Winehouse. We know you’re a freaky chick, but this is a bit much. Please, dahling, do us all a big ‘ol favor and go Back to Black…in a hurry! And eat a coupla Whoppers while you’re at it, mm-kay?

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Kim Cattrall in Mushroom Top Ready-to-Wear

Now, did Kim Cattrall not head my snarky advice from the other day, or what? I can’t decide what’s worse – her catastrophic look in the other photo, or the fact that she’s wearing some poor garden gnome’s mushroom house on top of her head in this one.

Seriously, does this chick have any sort of a clue when it comes to beachwear?

Damn!

I assume this is supposed to be a hat, and I’m all for covering up on the beach if you’re all into saving your skin and what not, but really. Is a hat this fricking large really necessary? How she can even stay erect with this thing on, I’ll never know. And what did she bring it home from the store in – an economy-sized trash bag?

I wish we could see the top of this. I wonder if it’s pointy or squared-off or what. Regardless, this thing is freaking me out and it needs to disappear fast…right along with the giant handbag craze!

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Not Sexy Nor City

Well now here’s beach attire you don’t see every day – thank Gawd! Kim Cattrall is looking about as far from “Sexy” and “City” as one chick can get. The problem here is that I cannot decide which I hate most:

• The super high-waisted Granny briefs
• The saggy Girls
• The long-ass white coat
• The Uggs
• The turquoise shades

The worst part? Evidently this pic was taken while Kim was doing a photo shoot, which leads me to wonder what in the hell kind of publication would think this is an attractive suit on this woman? Gah! I’m all for older chicks rocking out a two-piece, but she has to do it well, yanno? Otherwise, it’s just flat-out embarrassing to everyone.

So let’s pray this photo spread doesn’t show up to assault our eyes any further, okay? Okay. Now, back to Happy Hour (where you may choose to throw a dash of lemon juice in your eyes to cleanse them from this image).

Cheers!

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Juno’s Ellen Page (Yes, Again)

Okay, I swear I’m done with this Ellen Page chick for a while, but I promised a pic of her from the Critic’s Choice Awards and since I always make good on my promises (well, most of the time, ahem), here it is.

I love this dress on her. The straight neckline makes for a very sophisticated look on someone who generally dresses quite young. The detailing and cinching at the waist allows for some womanly definition and the peep-toes are a sexy completion to the whole vibe.

I still hate her hair and still recommend a freaking stylist sooner rather than later, but hey. I’m also hoping her star rises in a hurry so all the jewelry designers can load her up with some accessories, for chrissake. But she’s improving, so I’ll extend one more ounce of patience. Just one…

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Juno’s Ellen Page and Allison Janney

Yesterday I blasted Ellen Page for her Menudo-ish disaster of an outfit. Today, I will give her half a stamp of the Snarkstress Seal of Approval. Okay, maybe just a quarter. Why? Because this dress is, um, okay, but I do like that she’s actually dressed up. Note, though, that “dressed up” usually includes accessories, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. Man, even a young-looking drop-earring would punch this up a bit. Or a sweet necklace. Something.

And the hair! Sheesh, who is doing her coiffing for her? Her bff? My advice: get thine newly-wealthy hiney to a reputable stylist, girlie. Stat!

Okay, all that said, I did catch a glimpse of her last night at the Critic’s Choice Awards, uh, on TV. Somehow my personal invite got “lost”. Something about stalking the Ocean’s Thirteen cast or something like that. Whatev.

Anyhoo, Ellen look fabby. I’ll try to dig up a pick. I was happily surprised. Did you watch?

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Drew Barrymore

Diane Kruger

Jennifer Connelly

It’s no secret how my pal Dexie over at Style It Less feels about leggings. But moi, I kept my options open, wavering between “This look is godawful” and “Meh, I suppose I can deal”. But now that I am repeatedly accosted with photos of perfectly good cocktail dresses becoming ruined by an unfortunate pairing with leggings, I have to weigh in and say “This look has gotsta go!”

Here’s why:

• Anything that cuts off the line of your stems is a bad, bad thing. This includes gladiator sandals, squared-off toe boxes, severe ankle straps, etc.
• Leggings are a casual look best left for tunic dresses or under jean skirts. Hooking them up with cocktail dresses completely cheapens the look of the dress.
• Leggings look incomplete and sporty. They truly belong on some workout-obsessed chick from the early 90’s.

Yanno what’s more? If I’m a designer and I see my gorgeous dresses being paired with leggings, I’m calling your ass and making you up the dress immediately – even if it means you drive home nekked.

This is one Hollywood trend (along with giant bags and Brad Pitt’s goddang hat) that needs to go – PRONTO!

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Headed for a Fashion *uck-Up!

It’s not often I have something nasty to say about David Beckham, but when I saw this pic, I paused…and not just to wipe the drool from my snarky lips.

No, I paused in this instance because I am having a hard time figuring out just what in the hell is on Becks’s head. Looks partially like an adult diaper, partially like a baby’s sweater. Hey, wait! Maybe it is a baby’s sweater. Maybe this is their way of announcing Posh’s impending bump?!? Man, wouldja get a load of my diagnostic skillz? CSI, here I come!

So anyhoo, back to this cable-knit disaster. Yanno, it may have been halfway forgivable if it at least fit properly. But its scary resemblance to Depends is simply far too much for this snarky broad to handle. Even Posh looks embarrassed over this. Hiding her eyes and her gorgeous smile and what not (snzxxxxx!)

Okay, enough. Maybe later I’ll dig up a pic of Becks in his new tightie whitie ad campaign. We’ll see, dahlings, we’ll see.

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Busted! (With Bad Clothes On!)

Who cares about rumors of infidelity, what Eva Longoria really ought to be concerned with is her fashion indiscretions.

Seriously, dahlings, just WTF is up with the pleated shorts? Last I knew “Dockers” was not a brand name synonymous with high-style celeb fashion. And the jacket, while cute in that C-3PO-ish sort of way, looks totally out of place with those crazy-horrid short pants of hers.

And yes, yes, yes, I realize that large handbags are still in (although I silently pray for their slow death to come to a head right quick here), the fact that this satchel is about one-third the size of Eva is a tad frightening. Just what exactly is that tiny woman carrying in there, anyway? No wonder she brought Tony along with her on her errands.

Overall, this usually-loyal Eva fan is not grooving on this look. She needs to stick with cute little dresses and jeans with itty-bitty tees. That’s the Eva we know and love is it not, my loves?

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Who knew I’d be able to make this Wig Week here at Snarkstress? Sheesh, between Paris and now Brit-Brit, I’ve got enough Shredder Fodder to last for days.

I do have to snicker (all right, guffaw), because don’t you find it hilarious that Britney has taken to wearing wigs at the same time she’s wigging out in real life? Ah, how I love irony, my dahlings. (This shot, incidentally, was taken the same day she turned herself in for that whole hit-and-run brouhaha. Which leads me to my next point – if she has a suspended license, why in the hell is she driving in every flipping photo taken of her lately? Am I missing something?)

Another matter to be addressed here: the length of her skirt/dress/shirt/whatever it is. Gah! Have we not learned any lessons from the past, Brit? Hopefully she’s at least made a point to cash in her “Free Panty” card from Vickie’s. Some chicks never learn. Sigh.

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