Speaking off too much…let’s get back to that pantsuit for a second. Eva, I will grant you that your figure is probably in the rare 2% that could pull off a pantsuit that looks as though it is made out of the least forgiving, bunchy fabric possible. I will even concede that your shoes seem to be pretty cute. But just because you can wear a crinkled black pantsuit with (potentially) cute shoes…doesn’t mean you should. Maybe an accessory or two would have livened this up a bit, but as it stands right now I’m feeling just as bored about the whole thing as you two look.

Image: Bauer Griffin

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But the dress is not very flattering for her petite little figure. Nor is the color a good fit for her olive skin. Usually I would expect a dress like this to have a bit more shape to it. That there would be some sort of pattern out of the nonsensical application of each piece of fabric. It would just work in a way that you can’t describe or recreate. This doesn’t work. It doesn’t make sense literally or figuratively and I just fundamentally expect more from Eva, especially for events like this. Finding an evening gown to suite her cute little frame should not be difficult. Which is why this is an even greater disappointment.

Image: Splash News

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Eva Longoria Parker, Lunching with the Ladies

So here’s yet another picture of poor “fat” Eva Longoria (as if). However, the paps that took this pic said that as Eva exited her car, she told them to “make her look thin.” Awww.

Now, either the poor girl is starting to get a complex over these Lardo Bombardo accusations, or she really is trying to hide a little extra sumpin’-sumpin’ – a little padding from an impending bump, perhaps?

Now in the photo, I see no bump. All I see is a super cute, tiny girl who dressed up an otherwise plain black tube dress with the most kick-ass accessories. However, this is just the type of thing a newly preggers girly might where whilst her bump is still a-brewin’.

I’m just sayin’.

So what are your thoughts, loves? It’s Friday, for chrissake. Don’t tell me your working. Take a minute to let us know whether you think there’s a possible mini-Eva on the horizon….

Image used with permission from splashnewsonline.com

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Eva Longoria Parker at the 2008 Emmy Awards

Okay, so you saw my sad explanation (aka excuse) for my lack of Emmy coverage, but hey, it was all strategic. I just want the Emmy love to go on forever.

Or something.

Moving on…I’m getting ready to feature my Top 3 Emmy Looks from this past weekend, and I’d like to start off with the petite little flower that is Eva Longoria Parker. Now first off, to all you haters out there calling Eva “fat”, shame on you. Does this honey look fat to you? Dear Gawd, gimme a break. She’s teensy as ever and even though I despise her short ‘do, she’s hot as hot can be. Leave the girl alone. If she likes nachos, let her like nachos. She isn’t fat, for chrissake!

Anyhoo, now that that rant is over, let’s look at her dress, shall we? Eva’s smart enough to pack her mini little self into shorter dresses instead of gowns, and she rocks them like crazy. I am loving the whole liquid silver thing. Shoes and accessories are divine. Get the girl her gorgeous, long wavy mane back and she’d be sheer perfection.

Thus, Eva Longoria Parker is The Snarkstress’s Pick for #3 Look of the Emmys.

Your thoughts?

Image used with permission from splashnewsonline.com

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Everything about this look is perfecto. The slouchy yet chic shirt, the wrinkled-just-right linen pants, the killer shoes, sunglasses, fab hairdo and neutral makeup palette – divine! But the piece de resistance? The ungodly incredible, magnificent, stupendous, crazy-fab bag that is so unbelievably drool-worthy, I’d gladly risk your going to jail in exchange for stealing it for me. And yes, I’ll visit you in the clink…with the bag.

Anyhoo, loves, just a nice refreshing pic of a starlet who has done everything right in the summertime cazh department.

Bravo, Eva dahling, bravo!

Image used with permission from splashnewsonline.com

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Celebrity Fashion Trend Alert: Scarf Central

Yee-haw, dahlings, a celeb fashion trend that gets a big ‘ol Snarkstress Seal of Approval! (Did I just say “yee-haw? Oy. I need a drink. Already.)

Worn by the likes of Eva Longoria Parker, Miley Cyrus and Alicia Keys, big, droopy scarves are all the rage and I’m loving them for sure. A great choice while in between seasons, these scarves kick up any outfit from a simple jeans and tank look (a la Miley) to the LBD (a la Eva). They’re quite appropriate for nearly any occasion and can help hide some “stuff” – as in a blossoming baby bump or a wild night at the nacho buffet.

This is definitely one fashion trend you’d do well to get in on, loves. Mama Snarkstress said so.

Image Source: splashnewsonline.com

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Dahlings, I want you to know that I really and truly believe Eva Longoria is one of the hottest tamales in H-wood. She gorgeous, she’s real, she’s fashionable as all hell…usually. But alas, my girl has tripped up, and she’s done it in a big way.

Upon first inspection of this frock, I thought “Ooh, purple. Fun, unexpected. Hoorah!” Then, the daggers in my eyes activated, and began shredding apart Eva’s look at a scary clip. Why? Well…

* The Girls are hiked up at such an unnatural angle, you know she’s got some serious boob-tape going on under there. Youch!

* Because of this odd-cleavage-producing / boring-as-an-informercial neckline (not to mention the lack of shape and details of this dress), Mrs. Parker looks more like she’s stepped out with a fancy-ass purple towel wrapped around her, rather than a funky frock. A sweetheart neckline would’ve helped, as would a dainty necklace or some sort of satin or sparkle at the neckline.

* Finally, the gold shoes. I’m not sure why these bother me so much, since I’m usually an adamant fan of metallic kicks, but these shoes just look totally out of place. Is it the fact that they’re shockingly golden rather than subtly shimmery? Is it the bow? Is it because the heel’s too short? I’m not sure, but I do know they are the wrong choice for this mess of a dress.

So, now that that’s over, I will be heading off to self-medicate at the bar now. I simply hated shredding Eva, dahlings, but today it just had to be done, yanno?

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