Snarkstress » london

I’ve Never Seen Beyonce Like This

The Snarkstress — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 03:06:19 +0000

Am I out of the loop? Did I somehow miss that Beyonce is now BLONDE?? Before now I would have thought that it was nearly impossible for this singer/dancer/actress extraordinaire to ever look anything less than gorgeous…but somehow she had a complete FLOP while out with hubbie Jay-Z at Mahiki in London last night.

In addition to the blonde hair, I also think the combination of the too-small fedora sitting on the top of her head just doesn’t fit her look and the red lipstick NEEDS to go. The makeup, the hair, the outfit…where did my beautiful Beyonce go???

Let’s just pretend this isn’t Beyonce and we’ll give her another chance.

Image: Zuma Press

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Alice Dellal Needs New Clothes

The Snarkstress — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:21:56 +0000

My, doesn’t Alice Dellal look like a charmer? Sauntering around West London in a torn shirt, ripped fishnet stockings and combat boots circa 1995…yep, this is certainly what you would expect a model and socialite to look like in their free time, isn’t it.

Disappointing. All the resources in the world and this is the sorry little played out ensemble she puts together…just seems so unfortunate when you consider how many other girls out there would appreciate the same opportunities afforded dear Alice…and they wouldn’t help up looking like a goth hooker, how would they?

Yeah, sure honey…you’re an original. Reject all the nice things you could be wearing and instead step out in this. *Yawn*. Original…suuuuure, if that’s what you wan’t to call it.

Image: Bauer Griffin

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Kelly Osbourne Leaves Whiskey Mist Confused

The Snarkstress — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 13:02:07 +0000

Ick. Kelly Osbourne this is not a good look for you. I realize you’ve been cavorting all around London but the hair, splotchy skin and hipster glasses are all a bit over the top – don’t you think?

But worse than anything is the confused look on Kelly’s face. You would almost think this is the first time that you were stalked by paparazzi around the city. Yes, they will take photos of you and your lame thrifty store ensemble – that actually probably cost a cool couple grand – as well as the awful faded tattoo on your foot. Then they will sell said photos and the rest of us will join in on the mockery and all will be right with the world.

It’s really that simple, Kelly. Now maybe you’ll close your jaw and get on with your life, hmm?

Image: Bauer Griffin

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Victoria Beckham Is Serious About Swings

The Snarkstress — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 14:11:00 +0000

Who knew Victoria Beckham was so serious about her schoolyard games?

During a photoshoot for her super luxury, high end dresses (the one she’s wearing will set you back $3,145…oh, that is if it wasn’t sold out on Net-A-Porter…) Victoria’s signature stoic pout was in full force on the swingset.

I’ll concede that the entire setup, with the three models swinging in couture on porch steps in central London is rather interesting, so I’m looking forward to seeing the final version of the spread.

But really…would you spend over $3k on this dress? Enough people did, since it’s sold out, so there’s surely a market…but I’m not sure how I feel about that price tag for such a simple creation…elegant as it may be.

Images: Fame Pictures and Net-A-Porter

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Lily Allen Looking Disheveled For Dinner

The Snarkstress — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:30:45 +0000

Lily, my dear – what is going on with your makeup?

You meet up for dinner with a guy like Charles Saatchi looking like Mischa Barton applied your eyeliner and (of course) forgot all about lipgloss? And the hair….oh, such potential. A little bit too messy, honey. Hairs are flying left and right because they’re not tucked in properly under that headband (which I will admit, is very cute).

Now, let’s talk about the outfit…which looks like it was borrowed right out of Rihanna’s closet. There are so many patterns and conflicting trends happening here that I’m not quite sure what to say. Your vest is probably what’s bothering me the most – but a close second are those strange squiggly pants.

Nice choice on the blue bag, which I’m assuming is Chanel?

Though I’m glad you have finally taken off those silly wigs, Lily…from the looks of it, we’ve still got a long road back to the top.

Image: Splash News

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Kylie Minogue Does Casual Just Right

The Snarkstress — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 13:15:56 +0000

Over the years, I’ve developed a serious soft spot for Kylie Minogue. Somehow she has transitioned from over the top, “out there” popstar to elegant and laidback without much visible effort of the shift.

Rarely do you find her walking down the street looking rough or messy – the woman knows how to put together a casual outfit that is both stylish and comfortable. The dress might be boring, if it weren’t for those oversized tinted sunglasses and adorable yellow heels. Even the little mesh bag filled with paperwork fits in is cute (though it is no competition for her beautiful bag).

Yes, if more celebrities could go about their day looking this nonchalant and fabulous, I’m afraid we wouldn’t have much to make fun of about their fashion choices anymore!

Image: Flynet Pictures

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Mischa Barton Still Looks Drunk And Bloated

The Snarkstress — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 13:39:37 +0000

Is anyone else nervous for the daschund puppies Mischa Barton is holding at the Harrods Summer Sale?

It seems like the only way we’re ever going to see the old Mischa Barton who we used to love (okay, that might be overstating the truth…let’s call it a “civil non-hate”) is if black eyeliner and booze are removed from her life. Those puffy cheeks, that greasy skin – the eyeliner that is already starting to smudge and this is just the start of what I’m sure was a mess evening.

I do want to point out how much I love the cocktail ring on her left ring finger – but that’s about all the good I have to say about this. And her. The ring you are wearing should not be the highlight of your presence, Mischa.

Hopefully someone in her life sets her straight…soon.

Image: Bauer Griffin

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Someone Steal Kate Beckinsale’s Bag For Me

The Snarkstress — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 22:44:37 +0000

Though Kate Beckinsale looks kind of sad and boring here, I’m pretty smitten with the oversized beige handbag she’s sporting to The Ivy in Covent Garden, London. Sure, she’s got a bit of the greasies in her t-zone and there seems to be a personal style conflict between her prim and proper shirt and 80’s rockstar skinny jeans that apparently might have cost a small fortune, but I’m so focused on the idea of sporting that purse around town that I couldn’t care less.

Stop looking so pouty, Kate – what could be bothering you when your purse is so pretty?

Image: Splash News

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Peaches Geldof: You Little Nymph, You

The Snarkstress — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 23:59:17 +0000

Even though famous socialites might in fact be the most obnoxious breed of non-celebrity, one thing is certain – dowdy divorcee Peaches Geldof is the worst of them all.

Here she is posing at the UK premiere of ‘Bruno’ held at the Empire Leicester Square. You can spot her supposed new girlfriend behind her left shoulder – should be easy to pick out considering they’re wearing nearly identical outfits. Honey, please. I can’t imagine wearing matching bedsheets and tissue crowns is going to make everything okay while you navigate your odd little world of spoiled bordom.

Everything about this screams “Pay attention to me!” Tone it down for more than a few minutes, Peaches…then people might just care enough to do more than snicker.

Image: INF

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Claudia Schiffer Goes For The Undead Look

The Snarkstress — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 15:25:59 +0000

When Claudia Schiffer started applying her eye makeup, did she get distracted by something and just forget to stop brushing on more eyeshadow for twenty minutes? Or did she hire the same makeup artist that Eva Green works with?

Either way, Claudia has a disaster going on around her eyes for the Graduate Fashion Week Gala Show and Awards in London…and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it other than grab a hose and blast it off her face. Right now she looks like an extra from a zombie movie instead of a former supermodel.

Is it any wonder women are afraid of aging when even the most beautiful models in the world end up occasionally looking this awful as they get older? One might have assumed over the years Claudia picked up a few tricks while getting prepped for a photoshoot. Apparently not.

Image: INF

The outfit is otherwise simple and sophisticated; what a shame that the eye makeup was such a trainwreck, effectively running all that is potentially polished and pretty here.

Image: INF

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