Just WTF is Going on Here?!?

Uhhh…..

Dahlings, what in the hell has happened to this gorgeous supercouple? Seriously, I have not seen a photo of Victoria and David Beckham this hideous in, like, ever. It’s rare to ever see a pic where these two are not looking at the top of their game, but this…this is despicable. I feel like I’m watching some wretched Dick Tracy movie unfold in front of my eyes, only in this version, the heroine’s round mounds are tanned beyond insanity and her face is so droid-like pointy and over-the-top made-up that it’s scaring little children away.

Add to the mix the fact that both of these kids are having horrible, horrible hair days, and Gah! In my snarky opinion, Becks needs to stick with longer and messier, with some blond highlights, not an all-over peroxide rinse. And in my mind, there is a damned good reason Posh has the cutest hairdo ever (normally) – because she looks awful with her hair pulled away from her face like this!

Yanno Loves, at this point, I am ready to pretend I have never even seen this photo. I keep hoping it’s a deception of my eyes, that I’ll awaken to find a perfectly kick-ass pic of these two on my Home Page and that this all was a bad, bad nightmare.

Please, Sandman, make it so…

Post from: Snarkstress

Gawd dahlings, I am sooo over this look for Ms. Twinny-Twin. Someone get the girl a brush! A non-bag-like dress! Some eye makeup remover! A smile!

If she’s on her way to some creepfest, cool. If not, my suggestion is to leave the Elvira-in-Training look behind. She’s so young and potentially cute…if only someone could convince Mary-Kate to embrace the freshness that is youth. Gah.

What a fun day it will be when she sits down with a scrapbook of all these hideous photos. I can just hear her now, “Damn! What the f*** was I thinking? I mean, really. What. The. F***?” Yep, MK, we wonder that, too.

Post from: Snarkstress

I’ll wait a sec as the collective “Ewwwww” from the audience subsides…

Yeah, still waiting.

I know. Isn’t it almost grotesque?

Okay, are we done now? Let’s see here. Where to begin? Well, we have the exposed rib cage to your left. The punching bag-like girls in the center. The “Where’s-my-goddamn-blush-brush-oh-wait-this-giant-powder-puff-will-have-to-do” pink cheeks. The wrinkly-ass back, which I find really odd since she is pretty damn skinny. What’s not to love here?

Oh, the dress. Yeah, that. Well, assuming this is not part of the Courtney Love Freak Show Halloween Couture line, I’m not sure it’s appropriate for…well, anything. BUT, you gotta give the ‘ol gal props for strutting her stuff like she’s all that. Which she’s not. Gawd, is she not.

Sorry to subject you to this, my lovies. Don’t take a nap anytime soon – nightmares await.

Post from: Snarkstress

But I promise, my dahlings, this post will more than make up for my tardy coverage. Because here, only for YOU my dear lambies, are the Emmys done Snarkstess style. Check them out and vote for your faves. The award for the winners (er, losers)? A good ‘ol fashioned ribbing from internet users far and wide. What a beautiful gift. So let’s dim the lights, grab a drinkie and enjoy.

The Award for Handheld Cleaner Posing as a Dress
The Snarky goes to…

Vanessa Williams in Featherduster Chic
(Is this a new trend? I just ripped on Charlize for this the other week! Bleh.)

The Award for I Make Way More Money than My Dress Suggests
The Snarky goes to…

America Ferrera in Clearance Bin Couture

The Award for Someone Attacked My Dress With a Horrid 80’s Phenomenon
The Snarky goes to…

Jenna Fischer in Bow-dacious Blech

The Award for Best Use of Recycled Garbage Bags
The Snarky goes to…

Jaime Pressly in Hefty Meets Disco Ball Ready-to-Wear

And finally, for the first Ensemble Award in Snarky history:
The Award for Most Wretched Hairdos on a Set of Newlyweds
The Snarky goes to…

Mr. and Mrs. Romijn-O’Connell in Messy I Need A Goddamn Haircut (O’Connell) and I Resurrected My Aquanet and Lock-n-Rolls (Romijn)

So there you have ‘em, my lovelies. The first annual Snarky Awards. A big, fabby “Cheers!” goes out to all the winners (losers!)

Post from: Snarkstress

Okay, dahlings. After a pretty soft and forgiving week last week, The Snarkstress is back with a vengeance. And for some reason, this particular subject continues to give me reason to shred her.

Any idea whose disgusting nails these are? Hint: Her highly-anticipated comeback got a shredding of its own from me yesterday (not to mention the vast majority of H-wooders.)

Oops, looks like she’s done it again. And again. And again.

Now where’s my spiked mocha? Hers looks pretty yummy.

Post from: Snarkstress

Whoa there. Is this our little Mandy Moore? My source says it is, but my eyeballs tell me it’s Alyssa Milano circa early Charmed.

So, what’s with this dark new look? Evidently, Ms. Creepypants has some out-of-typecast role coming up and now she’s feeling the need to project this in real life. My suggestion? Stick with the acting, girlie. No need to personify such a vampy look when we all know you’re about 100% Sugar ‘n Spice. In fact, I clearly remember nearly experiencing heart failure when I was subjected to watching you kiss Adrian Grenier on Entourage many moons ago, it was so out of character for you. Ack. Still, my heart aches over that. But, I digress.

Anyway, ditch the darkness, dahling. There’s really nothing wrong with your normally fun and young style. It suits you. Not this. Please return to your regularly scheduled clothing. Immediately.

Here, have a Tutti Fruiti to ease the transition. Aaahhhh…now isn’t that better?

Thanks E

Post from: Snarkstress

The other day, I wore an outfit that would have been perfectly capped off by a handbag that looked exactly like…Mischa’s dress! What in the hell was she thinking when she suited up with this thing on? I am not getting this look, whatsoever. The fabric is a problem, yeah. The cut is all wrong (nothing like killing a slender bod with a sack-like frock) and the color is wretched on this pale dahling. And don’t even get me started on whatever the hell is in her hair.

A word to all the fashion crashers out there: If you’re going to dress like a handbag, at least wear a few metal accessories that could pass themselves off as adornments. Some bangle bracelets, a drop earring, a necklace for crying out loud. Something gold may have helped a little.

But, probably not.

OK then, I’m done. My shredder is smoking, but I could totally keep going. I am that disturbed. I need a Long Island. And quickly.

Sigh.

Post from: Snarkstress

Sabah at The Latest Luxe gives us One Theory on Global Style. Check it out…The Snarkstress approves.

Or if you’re looking for something tres fun and cas for next weekend, you MUST order the Birthday Tee Mike and Rangga found over at The Daily Tee. Warning: Do not consume liquids of any kind while checking this out. Yeah, it’s that damn funny.

So, yay for you. You’re looking to become a natural beauty girl. Well, lucky luck, Teri has just what you’re looking for over at Pretty By Nature: A comprehensive list of mineral makeup choices. How easy we make things for you over at the Beauty & Style Channel. Ah.

And finally, have you always adhered to the 100 Brush Strokes “rule”? Sasha tells you if this is necessary–or just a hairy waste of time–over at Beauty Bento Box.

More sharing and link love next week…all in an effort to keep you dearies out of the Snarkstress Shredder. Can you feel the love? Or is that just your hard lemonade? Whatever. Enjoy it…and the rest of your weekend.

Post from: Snarkstress

The Snarkstress takes such good care of her dahlings, I know.

Here’s what I found this week:

Over at Hot Mama Daily, Pascalle has been good enough to post the Pantone Fall Color Preview. I suggest you avoid a shredding of your own and check out those colors immediately. Just a warning: These hues are some of the most fabby and flattering I’ve seen in a long time, so there shall be no reason for you to stray outside of this forecast whatsoever. Comprendez-vous?

Once you’ve gotten the skinny on fall colors, head over to see Chloe at Her Accessories for a peek at some fall jacket options. Fun and funky, flirty and fresh, you’ll probably be safe from my hairy eyeball if you sport one of these. Well, maybe.

Next up, Amy at The Scented Life has gotten the uber-Top Secret word on the new fall scents at Bath and Body Works. Think FOOD. That’s all I’m going to say.

Finally, round out your evening over at Makeup Minute, where Shannon has finally discovered the makeup brush set to beat all sets. It’s gorgeous, it’s inclusive, it’s expensive. But if it saves you from a shredding, isn’t it worth it, dahling?

Have fun nosing around. My Lemon Spritzers and I are gearing up for one helluva week, so do stop by often. And tell all your friends.

Au revoir, my lovies! Kiss, kiss.

Post from: Snarkstress

Mary-Kate, Mary-Kate, Mary-Kate. Haven’t we learned anything yet, my love? Here we have The Bag Lady meets Bohemian meets Halloween Chic. Again. I am so over this for you, honey, so how ’bout you move on now, k? Pretty please.

I know you’re going to throw a hairy eyeball at The Snarkstress, Erin (she’s our resident Mary-Kate and Ashley lovah here at b5), but your gurlz have some basic style lessons to heed. If you have any pull, sign these chicks up, call them a driver and get their tiny asses in the Style 101 classroom, pronto.

I mean, jeez, don’t these twinks have their own fashion line? Maybe it tanked and that’s why they have to resort to wearing such hideousness. But, phew, I digress.

What I really want to shred here is the scary creepiness that screams “I’m married to a mad scientist with a major personality disorder!” The hat is a bit much as is the death-inspired reddish makeup around her eyes. The only thing The Snarkstress approves of is the killer shoes. But the poor things are stripped of their hotness potential when paired with this ghoulish outfit, and really, that’s a crying shame.

Yanno, I’m not sure how much more of these chicks’ fashion screw-ups I can handle. They are smart girls with loads of money, so why oh why can’t they put a decent outfit together? Hm? Tell me why.

After this, it’s definitely time for a Dirty. Want my olives?

Photo from InStyle

Post from: Snarkstress