Shiny, Happy Hilary

Whoa, now. Is Miss Hilary Duff getting a bit edgy for her britches, or is it just moi? Girlfriend be looking metallic today. As in, taking the metallic trend a bit over the edge. Quite a bit.

But yanno, I’m thinking she may be competing in a Tough Girl contest here or something. The super-shiny short jumpsuit, the weight-lifting gloves, the back-support belt, the wild and crazy curls – yeah, those all scream “Competition” to me. I’m just wondering what kind of view the fine folks behind her will be getting when she bends over to lift her curl bar…Gah!

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Bad Hair Day in Hollywood = Bad Wig Day!

It used to be that if a star was having a bad hair day, she threw on a hat. Now, she throws on a wig. Or extensions. Or freaky scarves (see Amy Winehouse, below).

Case in point: Lindsay Lohan. The other day, she was looking awesome with her long, straight blond hair. Today, she’s got a matty, nasty brunette thing going on. This sucker is so bad, it had to come from the Dollar Daze clearance bin. Gah! Is she getting shopping tips from Brit or what?

Furthermore, all that high-end shopping LiLo’s been doing as of late doesn’t seem to have made its way into her life yet. Clearly, she’s choosing to dig through her archives to unearth these leggings and hideous shoes instead. Our glamour gal ain’t so glamorous here, now is she?

Let’s hope this is just a bad day for ‘ol Linz. Cause man, when girl does bad, she’s bad!

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I Say “No, no, no!”

This is one of those pix that makes my snarky self salivate to the point of near dehydration. Seriously. It’s just packed full of opportunities to shred. God Bless you, Amy Winehouse.

So, yes, she’s blond. For a couple weeks now. And I still hate it. Maybe now more than ever. The first time I saw it was good for a soul-cleansing laugh. But as time wore on and I realized this wretched look is not just for temporary shock value, but is here to stay, I started to become more and more annoyed by it. It’s like Britney Spears as a brunette – it’s just not right! The cat eye totally doesn’t work with this look either (and is it just my warped imagination, or is she getting awfully sloppy with it? Oy.)

Next, we move on to her disintegrating weight. I’m honestly not sure how the weight of her hive and the Mr. T Starter Kit she’s wearing don’t just topple her over. That’s gotta be one of the big mysteries of the world. Truly. Girl needs to quit eating popsicles and have herself a Double Whopper with cheese.

And finally, I must make mention of this ‘do scarf. It’s definitely crossed that line of being overdone, much like Brad Pitt’s newsboy cap nonsense. Wouldn’t you just love to peer under that thing to see what’s making its home in there?

Gah!

Okay, Winehouse. We know you’re a freaky chick, but this is a bit much. Please, dahling, do us all a big ‘ol favor and go Back to Black…in a hurry! And eat a coupla Whoppers while you’re at it, mm-kay?

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Kim Cattrall in Mushroom Top Ready-to-Wear

Now, did Kim Cattrall not head my snarky advice from the other day, or what? I can’t decide what’s worse – her catastrophic look in the other photo, or the fact that she’s wearing some poor garden gnome’s mushroom house on top of her head in this one.

Seriously, does this chick have any sort of a clue when it comes to beachwear?

Damn!

I assume this is supposed to be a hat, and I’m all for covering up on the beach if you’re all into saving your skin and what not, but really. Is a hat this fricking large really necessary? How she can even stay erect with this thing on, I’ll never know. And what did she bring it home from the store in – an economy-sized trash bag?

I wish we could see the top of this. I wonder if it’s pointy or squared-off or what. Regardless, this thing is freaking me out and it needs to disappear fast…right along with the giant handbag craze!

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Not Sexy Nor City

Well now here’s beach attire you don’t see every day – thank Gawd! Kim Cattrall is looking about as far from “Sexy” and “City” as one chick can get. The problem here is that I cannot decide which I hate most:

• The super high-waisted Granny briefs
• The saggy Girls
• The long-ass white coat
• The Uggs
• The turquoise shades

The worst part? Evidently this pic was taken while Kim was doing a photo shoot, which leads me to wonder what in the hell kind of publication would think this is an attractive suit on this woman? Gah! I’m all for older chicks rocking out a two-piece, but she has to do it well, yanno? Otherwise, it’s just flat-out embarrassing to everyone.

So let’s pray this photo spread doesn’t show up to assault our eyes any further, okay? Okay. Now, back to Happy Hour (where you may choose to throw a dash of lemon juice in your eyes to cleanse them from this image).

Cheers!

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My Eyes! My Eyes!

Looks like Paris Hilton wasn’t kidding when she sang that dandy of a single Stars Are Blind (which, ahem, I might have downloaded off of iTunes, cough cough. Must’ve been drunk).

Not sure if her stylist took the day off or if P. Hil was feeling a little feisty or what, but I find it hard to believe that any person gifted with sight would actually venture out into the great, wide paparazzi-laden world wearing something this hideous. I mean, the chick is sporting at least four different patterns here…and we can’t even see her shoes. This is a poor, wretched excuse for an outfit and, Ms. Hilton, we expect a whole lot more out of you…like dresses with your name on them.

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Juno’s Ellen Page

Oh Lordy. With every new break-through star comes new opportunities for Fashion F***-Ups.

Case in point: Ellen Page. This is one mega-talented chick with one helluva promising movie in her back pocket (that would be Juno, for those of you just emerging from your rock). But for some reason, she couldn’t find it within herself to make an effort fashion-wise. I want to like you, Ellen, but this pic is so not giving me a good reason to. So until you prove yourself worthy of the Snarkstress Seal of Approval, I must take the opportunity to shred you. And I will do so with one brief sentence:

“Hey, Ellen! Menudo texted. They want their look back.”

See how I did that? “Texted”. Cause she’s just a wee dahling. And they don’t call people. They text their peeps. Am I in touch with that generation or what? Damn.

Okay, then. Anyway, let’s try harder next time, hm Ellen, love? You’re a big shot now. Kindly dress like one.

P.S. Call me when you turn 21, El. We’ll have drinks and I’ll gladly show you the ins and outs of fashionable dressing. Consider it my gift to your rising star. Cause I’m that giving. *mwah*

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Drew Barrymore

Diane Kruger

Jennifer Connelly

It’s no secret how my pal Dexie over at Style It Less feels about leggings. But moi, I kept my options open, wavering between “This look is godawful” and “Meh, I suppose I can deal”. But now that I am repeatedly accosted with photos of perfectly good cocktail dresses becoming ruined by an unfortunate pairing with leggings, I have to weigh in and say “This look has gotsta go!”

Here’s why:

• Anything that cuts off the line of your stems is a bad, bad thing. This includes gladiator sandals, squared-off toe boxes, severe ankle straps, etc.
• Leggings are a casual look best left for tunic dresses or under jean skirts. Hooking them up with cocktail dresses completely cheapens the look of the dress.
• Leggings look incomplete and sporty. They truly belong on some workout-obsessed chick from the early 90’s.

Yanno what’s more? If I’m a designer and I see my gorgeous dresses being paired with leggings, I’m calling your ass and making you up the dress immediately – even if it means you drive home nekked.

This is one Hollywood trend (along with giant bags and Brad Pitt’s goddang hat) that needs to go – PRONTO!

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Whoa, Hollywood Trend Alert!

If Mariah Carey and Jennifer Hudson have anything to say about things, it looks like White and Tight is the name of the game in the Big H.

Yanno, I guess I’m ambivalent regarding this trend. Call me an old fashioned gal, but in my flawless mind, white still has its place…in summer. Cold months should be all about winter whites and shades of cream, not this pure, freshly-driven snow hue.

Now as for tight, well, sure I love the boldness of these curvalicious honeys as much as the next fashionista, but somewhere you gotsta draw the line. Both of these chicklets look like they could split a seam if one extra crab puff passed their lips – and that ain’t cool with the no-doubt endless sea of buffets and hors d’oeuvres trays spread before them. I’d hate to be sitting in the back of either of them when their zippers bust open and their skivvies are exposed!

My overall approval for this White and Tight trend? Not happening.

How about you? You digging this look or are you feeling my snarky vibe? Grab a drink and let me know…

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Just WTF is Going on Here?!?

Uhhh…..

Dahlings, what in the hell has happened to this gorgeous supercouple? Seriously, I have not seen a photo of Victoria and David Beckham this hideous in, like, ever. It’s rare to ever see a pic where these two are not looking at the top of their game, but this…this is despicable. I feel like I’m watching some wretched Dick Tracy movie unfold in front of my eyes, only in this version, the heroine’s round mounds are tanned beyond insanity and her face is so droid-like pointy and over-the-top made-up that it’s scaring little children away.

Add to the mix the fact that both of these kids are having horrible, horrible hair days, and Gah! In my snarky opinion, Becks needs to stick with longer and messier, with some blond highlights, not an all-over peroxide rinse. And in my mind, there is a damned good reason Posh has the cutest hairdo ever (normally) – because she looks awful with her hair pulled away from her face like this!

Yanno Loves, at this point, I am ready to pretend I have never even seen this photo. I keep hoping it’s a deception of my eyes, that I’ll awaken to find a perfectly kick-ass pic of these two on my Home Page and that this all was a bad, bad nightmare.

Please, Sandman, make it so…

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