• On the first day of Christmas, my true love decided that a real partridge in a pear tree wouldn’t fit in our house… So he bought me a partridge in a pear tree brooch instead

• On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave me two turtle doves… but do you know how messy they are?  So he gave me a pair of turtle dove earrings .

• On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave me three French hens.  But then the bylaw officer showed up and said we couldn’t keep them in the city.  So my true love bought me a gold Hen charm.

• On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me four calling birds… But since we already have a noisy parrot, the calling birds were sent back & he bought me a blackbird necklace instead.

• On the fifth day of Christmas,  my true love gave to me five golden rings.  Five golden rings?  You mean I actually get a present that doesn’t poop on the carpet or wake the neighbors  up at 5am crowing?  Awesome!

• On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me six geese a laying. And then the bylaw officer came back and said we’d have to pay a fine if he found anymore barnyard animals in our backyard.  So my true love bought me this nifty little sterling silver & enamel goose pendant instead

• On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me seven swans-a-swimming.  Which is all well and good, but I can only fit one swan-a-swimming in my bathtub.  So my true love bought me a swan handbag instead.

• On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eight maids-a-milking. Have we not already had this discussion about farm yard animals? Besides, I don’t think eight cows will even fit in the back yard!  So my true love gave to me a cow cover for my iPod.

• On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me nine ladies dancing.   Sweetie, we live in a small house – where are they going to sleep? So my true love gave to me a ballerina brooch instead.

• On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ten lords-a-leaping.  Okay, if the nine ladies dancing couldn’t fit into our house, what makes you think ten men, jumping around, are going to fit in our living room?  So my true love gave me a funky leather cuff instead.

• On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eleven pipers piping.  Do you have any idea how loud eleven pipers piping are?  Our neighbors called the police to report a noise complaint!  So my true love gave me a silver Piper charm instead

• On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me twelve drummers drumming.  Now the neighbors are really upset.  To say nothing of the police and the bylaw officer…. So my true love gave me a drum kit t-shirt instead

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The Twelve Days of Christmas, no – wait, the Twelve Days of Shopping!